Pouring it Out

After my dad passed away last week, I was unsure of how to feel. I mostly felt at peace because he was sick, and he was old. He had lived through the loss of his wife, my mother, 3 years ago and was ready to join her. And I felt okay with that. It felt promising even, for a girl with little faith.

But after the memorial service yesterday, I mostly just feel alone. What do you do as a young twenty-something, in the midst of the most confusing time of her life? We are buying our first home. Eventually having kids, maybe? So who do I get to turn to, to ask questions when I am lost? To call in the middle of the night when I feel like giving up? To show up unannounced and know that they are unconditionally happy to see me?

Even if my dad was sick and old, he was still my dad and that meant something to me, even if he didn't always know who I was. But my brother said something in his eulogy yesterday that struck me. He was talking about how sad he was for Dad and for his son that they wouldn't have a relationship because his son is so young. But then he realized that he would be mostly sad for himself, because Brady won't understand that he doesn't get that relationship with his Grandpa and therefore wouldn't think he was missing out. It is a purely selfish reason to feel sad that Dad won't get to be there for my new experiences, or that Mom has already missed some of them. My parents aren't sad... because they aren't alive. I am sad for me. But I think I should get to be. This is where the whole, "who am I, what am I doing" aspect of my emotions come to bat. I don't feel like a whole person anymore. 

But Joey has been there for everything. He knew my mom, and he watched her die. He knew my dad, he said goodbye to him too. He promised them both that he would take care of me and I know without a doubt that he wasn't saying it for show. He really is going to make sure that I know I am loved every second of every day. And by god, I am going to make it difficult. I know me. I know how I act in the face of adversity. I shut down. I want space. I need to lash out, to feel the guilt that follows. Because I get numb. And any emotion is better than emptiness. And I hate that I do it. I hate even more that I do it to him. But he understands, and he still loves me. Unconditionally.

I can honestly say that I am ready to put this part of my life behind me. No, I will never forget my parents. I will never not love them, either of them, for as long as I am still alive. They are a part of me and I am forever grateful. But now, now I need to focus on myself and Joey. I need to make this chapter of our life even better. And what better way to start out than with the purchase of our first home? A place that we can call home, we can hopefully start a family in, even if we just give that dog thing a try again. I am ready to grab life by the horns and stop playing chicken with my emotions.

I won't give up. Even if the skies get rough.

Dad

I don't have much to say right now. I just don't have the words.

My father passed away at 9:30am today.

He joined my Mom in heaven and I am overjoyed knowing they are together again. It hurts so much that he isn't here, and it hurts still that my mom has been gone for 3 years, and I miss them both so much. But they aren't in pain and they are together.

I have my memories. My videos and photographs. I will be forever grateful for having the two best parents any kid could ask for. I just wish they could have been around longer.

10 Pretty Things I Love for Spring!

The weather has been damn near gorgeous here lately!

You know the saying, "March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb"? Okay, maybe I'm showing my age here a little. But that is a phrase and in this case, March came in growling and out positively ROARING! The weather has gotten into the 90's, especially last week. I even think I saw a heat index of 100 degrees or so. But maybe that was just in my car.

The days that have been in the 70's though, those have been the best. I am not ready for 90 degree weather, to be honest, but you work with what you're given. When it's in the 70's or 80's, I am more than happy to welcome Spring into my life.

I have worn the crap out of all the skirts, dresses and sandals that I own. This is problematic because Joey and I are on a spending freeze and I really can't afford to buy anything pretty. See, we are on the search for our first home and those things don't come cheap!!

Instead of just stomaching the fact that it might be late May or June before I get to buy anything to plush my spring/summer wardrobe, and maybe being creative in ways to keep wearing my winter clothes in a summery way, I have taken to Pinterest and found things that I would absolutely love to add to my arsenal. But can't afford. Some I couldn't afford even if I wasn't scrounging for pennies in my couch cushions to add to our piggy bank.

But that's for another day.

1) This pretty red, flowy dress from Old Navy. There is nothing better than an empire waist, knee length dress for work. I could totally pair this with a white cardigan or shrug and some sandals that I already own - easy and adorable.

2) Oh my GOSH! I am so into arrows right now, and naturally since I am a 14 year old girl, this totally symbolizes my love for The Hunger Games. This bracelet is from House of Harlow. I found it in sterling silver and rose gold, and I kind of prefer the rose gold. It's just so striking. I want it!

3) Okay so I'm kind of cheating here. I own this pillow. I found it on the clearance rack at Target. I wish there had been 2, so I guess you could say I still covet one of these magnificent pillows. I don't have a link to source here because it's been taken offline. :( But I promise I got this pillow from Target.

4) I am obsessed with all things wood right now. I have an iPhone cover that is wood, albeit plastic, but I love it. These sunglasses from the Tumbleweeds shop on Etsy. They have woodcrafted sunglasses in all shapes, sizes and colors. I wish, wish, wish that I could afford a pair, and that I didn't have to wear glasses. Hrmph.

5) Speaking of wood things, how adorable is this cutting board? I found this on Pinterest and followed the source back to a shop on Etsy that makes custom wood crafted cutting board in the shape of the states! Of course, I would want a Missouri one with a heart in St. Louis. :) Check out the shop - AHeirloom.

6) I own these shoes too. Shhh. I had a Kohls giftcard left over from Christmas, can you believe it? I managed to buy a dress for Easter and these shoes from the Simply Vera collection. I haven't worn them yet but they are so adorable and I can't wait to put together an outfit with them.

7) These shoes are also from Kohls, but I haven't been gutsy enough to try them on. Mostly because once I put them on, I will want to buy them. This is regardless of how comfortable they are, just because they are so gorgeous. So I am steering clear. Until my willpower shatters. Tomorrow. Shhh.

8) AH! How adorable are these Pantone iPhone cases! I want all of them, but I think the Tangerine and Yellow ones would make me the happiest.

9) I won a Vera Bradley Attache at my work's Trivia night in March and am super excited about it. I mean, technically I have nowhere to need a briefcase but hey - now I have one if the situation arises! To go with it - you know, thinking ahead - I want to get this Turn Lock wallet in the same fabric (Folkloric) as the Attache. Pretty!

10) Finally, what Spring wouldn't be complete without some new baseball gear?! I love this collection from Victoria's Secret, and with Joey being a majorly huge Mets fan, I know I could get him to agree to me getting this hoodie if it was for the Mets. ;) Here's trying!!